Plant-sitting
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy leaves Harley Quinn in charge of taking care of her plants while she's away, with one rule: No Joker. Harley doesn't listen.
1. Chapter 1

**Plant-sitting**

"…if you have any questions, check the list, or call me. I may not always be reachable – I don't think there's a huge amount of reception in the Brazilian Rainforest, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were going to chop a huge section of it down to make way for a cell phone tower. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet, but the downside is I may not be contactable for a little while. If that happens, check the list. Always check the list. Are you listening, Harley?"

"Check the list, yeah, yeah," repeated Harley Quinn. "Don't worry, Red. I'm a responsible gal. You just enjoy your vacation and leave everything to me."

"It's not a vacation, Harley," retorted Poison Ivy. "I'm going to the Brazilian Rainforest to sabotage a deforestation effort. I'm going to blow up the site and hopefully the headquarters, once I find out who's responsible."

"Sounds like a vacation to me," replied Harley. "Last time me and Mr. J went away, he blew up the Mirage in Vegas. We went to see Cirque du Soleil, but it turns out it wasn't a circus like we thought. Probably should have figured that out from the French, really. Mr. J was pretty upset, but blowing it up made him feel lots better. It was a nice trip, but I preferred our time on the beaches in Acapulco. A whole week of sun, sea, and romance. Well, for the most part. The sun's not great for Mr. J's complexion – he burns really easily, and I have a lot of memories of peeling the skin off his back, great big sheets of it, which you'd think would be kinda a mood-killer, but which was actually strangely arousing. He gets so stressed here in Gotham, preoccupied with trying to kill the Bat all the time. When he gets away from him, he can put all his incredible energy and stamina to good use. I mean five times a day really is impressive…"

"Harley, why are you telling me this?" demanded Ivy. "I don't want to know anyway, and I do have a plane to catch."

"Sorry, I just got thinking about vacations," she sighed. "We might need another one soon. But you enjoy yours, Red, and send me a postcard from Lake Titicaca."

"I'm going to the Brazilian Rainforest, Harley," retorted Ivy. "To save trees."

"Well, send a me a postcard of a tree, then," she replied, hugging her. "Sure you don't want a ride to the airport? I can call Mr. J…"

"No, I'll be fine," interrupted Ivy. "And Harley, while you're here, no Joker. He's not welcome in my house. My babies will know, and they'll react badly to him. They trust you, because I trust you. They don't trust him. Don't bring him here, or there'll be trouble. Understand?"

"But Red…"

"No Joker, Harley," she repeated, firmly. "Promise me."

Harley sighed. "Yeah, yeah, fine. But you're being really unfair about him, Red. He's a sweetheart, really."

"I don't have time to argue with you, Harley, or I'll miss my plane," she retorted. "Remember, any problems, check the list. And thanks for doing this, baby. You're the greatest."

She hugged her tightly, kissed her cheek, and said, "See you later, Harl."

"Bye, Red! Have fun!" said Harley, waving her away from the doorway until she was out of sight. Harley shut the door and looked around at the house. "Gotta admire her style," she said to herself. "It's very green. Environmentally-friendly. That's important these days, what with the global warming and all. Mind you, I'm not saying it's for me – I couldn't live in a greenhouse. Bit too humid in here, for a start. And I don't like walls that breathe. Reminds me of something outta a horror movie. But, y'know, it's green, so that's good." She laughed. "People are going to think I'm crazy, talking to myself like this, but I read somewhere that it's good to talk to plants, helps 'em grow, so I guess I'll keep doing it."

She looked at the list Ivy had left her. "She's certainly got a lot of plants," she muttered to herself. "And they all got special requirements. This could take a little while. When I signed up for this, I thought it would be pretty simple, just watering the plants, y'know, like you do when people go on vacation. But most of these don't even need water. And I don't even know where I'm supposed to find…" she squinted. "A whole cow/human being for the Poison Fly Traps." She shrugged. "Well, I'll manage. Don't wanna bother Red on her vacation with constant phone calls. She deserves some time to herself to relax and get away from it all."

The phone rang at that moment. Harley wondered if she should answer it – Ivy probably had a machine that would get it if she just left it. But the phone kept ringing and no machine clicked on. So Harley sighed and picked it up. "Hello?"

"Listen to me, you two-timing bitch, you give me my half of the cut now or I'll come over there and rip your damn face off!" shouted an angry voice down the phone.

"Hey, that ain't no way to talk to a lady!" snapped Harley. "And unless you're Mr. J, you don't threaten me! And you ain't Mr. J, so you shut your damn mouth before I come over there and rip _your_ face off! Both of 'em, Harvey!"

"Harley?" said Two-Face's voice on the other end, puzzled. "Where's Pam?"

"She's on vacation," snapped Harley. "Probably to get away from dolts like you phoning her up and screaming at her! Jesus, Harv, no wonder you two broke up! You can't just go off on a gal like that, there's gotta be a bit of foreplay first!"

"Difficult as it may be for you to understand the difference between love and aggression, I was actually threatening Pam because I'm going to kill her," growled Two-Face. "And I don't mean that in a nice way, Harley. We pulled a job together, we did half the work, and I deserve half the take. But she's holding out on me."

"Well, you could try a little romance, Harv," she retorted. "Maybe if you asked really nicely. Red's still carrying a torch for you; I'm sure she'd respond well to a little affection."

Silence on the other end. "What do you mean still carrying a torch for me?" he muttered. "She told you that?"

"Yeah. Well, she was drunk. We'd had a few cocktails, and by a few, I mean Pengers had to talk her down off the chandelier so she didn't fall into the shark tank. She was swinging on it, shouting that she was Batman, and when we finally got her down, she admitted to me that she wouldn't mind riding the real Batman, or really any man at this point. Especially, she said, Harvey, because he was the best hunk of manhood she had ever wrapped her roots around. Course when I told her about it over her headache the next day, she swore me to secrecy, so…" Harley paused, realizing her mistake. "Can you just forget I said all that?"

"I'll certainly try, Harley," he replied. There was an awkward silence until Two-Face growled, "I still want my cut. Have her call me when she gets back."

"Okie dokie," replied Harley. "And remember, don't tell her I told you."

"Don't worry, Harley, I'm a lot better at keeping secrets than you are," retorted Two-Face. "Bye."

He hung up the phone. Harley sighed. "Stupid," she muttered to herself. "Stupid, stupid, stupid Harley! Red would kill you if she were here! You have to learn to think before you speak – shooting your mouth off has got you into trouble more times than you can count! Like the time you told Red Mr. J once decorated your room with fresh flowers! You thought it was sweet, but Red didn't. Or the time you told Mr. J that Red has a picture of him on the bullseye of her practice target for her crossbow. You thought it was funny, but he didn't. You have to be more like Mr. J, selective, suiting your material to your audience, not just telling everyone everything. It ain't good."

She looked around the phone. "Ah, here's the answering machine!" she exclaimed, finding the cable and plugging it in. "No wonder Red unplugged it – Harvey was probably leaving tons of angry messages. No one wants to be bombarded by those. Well, not unless they're from Mr. J."

She dusted herself off, then clapped her hands. "Right. Getting to work. With a positive attitude, this shouldn't take too long."

Eight hours later, Harley returned to the living room, wiping sweat from her brow, and plopped onto the sofa. The answering machine was flashing with two messages, so Harley played them.

"Hi, Ivy, it's Selina. Look, I've got a job I wanna discuss with you, Gotham Museum, Saturday night, if you're available. There's a couple of really pretty diamonds in it for me and a whole lotta cash in it for you. Anyway, get back to me as soon as you can, and just keep this between ourselves, all right? I would tell Harley but she'd tell the clown and…y'know. Speaking of which, we need a margarita and bitching session soon. You've probably got lots more complaints about the two of them you need to get off your chest, and I need to complain about how the Bat still won't let Kitty climb his scratching post. Call me! Bye!"

Harley stared at the machine, a little hurt. "They could at least invite me to their margarita and bitching session," she muttered.

It bothered her sometimes, the way she felt alienated from her two best friends because of her relationship. She just wished they could all get along.

Her pain was immediately lessened when the second message played, and the voice she loved most in the entire world filled the room.

"Hi Pammie, it's me! Just wondering if you've seen my little Harley girl around – it's dinner time and I'm sitting here with no food in front of me because the little minx seems to have disappeared. That's just like Harley – never around when you want her to be, just all the other 23 hours in a day! Hahahahahahahahaha! Anyway, I think she said something about going over to yours, not that I was really listening to her, but if you gals are still together it's time to wrap up the girly hair and nails talk because Daddy J needs his dinner. So send her back over as quick as you can, or I won't be laughing, and neither will she. Love you, Pammie! Buh bye!"

Harley immediately picked up the phone and dialled the number back.

"What?" snapped the Joker.

"Hi, Mr. J, it's me."

"Harley? Oh, where the heck have you been, hmm? You're in for such a beating when you get back. I had to have dinner at the Iceberg Lounge because I got tired of waiting on your ass, and you know how I hate spending money."

"Sorry, puddin', I've been taking care of Red's plants and lost track of the time. She's gone to Brazil and left me in charge. Didn't think it would take as long as it has, but she's got so many of them."

"Yeah, she's a real obsessive, Pammie," said Joker. "Crazy, you know. So you coming home tonight or what?"

"I'd really like to, Mr. J, but there's still so much work to be done," replied Harley. "I wouldn't feel right leaving things as they are. I think I'll just stay here tonight."

There was silence on the other end of the phone. "Puddin'? That's ok, isn't it?" asked Harley.

"Yeah, sure, fine, Harley, whatever you want," he replied, nonchalantly. "You got a toothbrush and everything over there?"

"Nah, I'll just skip brushing for one night," replied Harley.

"Pumpkin, that's not a good idea! You should always brush and floss – you know one of things that matters most to me in this world is a nice big smile! You should come back and get your toothbrush."

"Puddin', if you don't want me to stay…"

"I don't care what you do, Harley. You make your own decisions. I'm just saying it probably wouldn't be advisable to skip brushing your teeth, even for one night."

"I'm sure it'll be fine, Mr. J. I'll see you tomorrow, ok, puddin'?"

Silence again. "Puddin'? You still there?"

"I suppose I could always bring your toothbrush over, Harley."

"No, don't worry, puddin', it'll be fine, really," said Harley, hastily.

"Why? You don't want me to come over?"

"No, of course I'd love to see you, puddin'," she replied. "But I promised Red. She said you weren't allowed over here. She was very explicit about that. She made me promise I wouldn't let you come over."

"Well, that's gratitude for you," muttered Joker. "After all we've been through together, me and Pammie, and she doesn't even trust me in her house. I'm hurt, Harley, I don't mind telling you. Wounded to the core."

"Aw, puddin', don't be sad!" cried Harley. "Red doesn't hate you, she just don't want you in her house. That doesn't mean she don't like you. She's just being silly, but…"

"You're right, Harley, she is being silly," interrupted Joker. "Silly and ridiculous and stupid. There's no reason for her not to want me over there – it's just nonsense. And you can ignore nonsense, can't you, pooh bear?"

"Mr. J, I really don't think…"

"Anyway, while the cat's away, the mice can play, can't they, Harl? I'm sure once you're done with the plants, the two of us could find tons of new, exciting ways to have fun over at Pammie's. And she'd never have to know."

Harley bit her lip. "I guess I could always pretend that I forgot…" she began, but her eyes fell on the list, where at the bottom of the page, in red ink and capital letters, were written the words: NO JOKER.

Harley flipped the page over, trying to hide it. The page underneath read: SERIOUSLY, NO JOKER, HARLEY.

She flipped it over again. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT INVITING THE JOKER, HARLEY.

And again. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, BUT STOP! NO JOKER! I MEAN IT, HARLEY! DON'T YOU DARE!

"Mr. J…"

"Just think about it, pooh," he purred. "How naughty it would be. Mommy's just left, the kiddies are all tucked away upstairs, and the little babysitter is all alone, scared in that great, big, dark house. And suddenly Daddy comes a'knockin', because he hears the babysitter's been a really naughty, disobedient girl, ignoring Mommy's wishes, and he thinks she deserves a spanking. What do you say, Harl? Don't you wanna be punished by Daddy for being such a bad girl?"

"Yeah," gasped Harley, tossing the list across the room. "Hurry over, Mr. J! Your Harley girl needs to be punished right now!"

"See you soon, kiddo," murmured Joker, hanging up the phone.

Harley tried to wait for him patiently, but she was restless from anticipation and couldn't sit still, so skipped around the room instead. "Might feel kinda weird, doing it surrounded by…y'know…things that are alive," she murmured, looking around the room at the plants clinging to the walls. "Like being watched. Kinda kinky, and not in a good way. Well, I guess you don't know if it's kinky in a good way until you try it," she said, shrugging. "That's always been my motto anyway. And Red just won't find out about it. The plants can't tell her, can they? And what harm could it actually do to have Mr. J round? He's right – Red was just talking nonsense. And she'll never know. He won't stay or anything. He'll just be in and out, and in and out, and in…" She sat down, shutting her eyes tightly. "Hurry up, puddin'!" she gasped.

Harley threw open the door the instant the knock came. Joker stood smiling on the doorstep, holding up something. "Toothbrush?" he said, grinning.

She knocked it out of his hands and leapt on him, devouring his mouth. He pushed her inside, shutting the door, as she covered him with kisses, "C'mon, baby, I've been a real bad girl," she whispered. "Want me to show you how naughty I've been?"

"In a bit, pooh," he said, managing to push her off him with colossal effort. "Just want to take a look around Pammie's house first. See why she was so eager to keep me out of here. Must have some real dirty secrets to hide."

"I've got a dirty secret too, puddin'," breathed Harley, still clinging to him. "You wanna hear it?"

"I said in a bit!" he snapped, shoving her away. "Now cool it or you won't get anything!"

Harley whined in frustration. "Oh, you're such a bastard, Mr. J!" she snapped.

"Yeah, I love you too, kiddo," he retorted, grinning. "So give me the tour. It's all very green," he muttered, looking around at the plants.

"Yeah, that's what I said," replied Harley, taking his hand. "But that's good, you know, environmentally-friendly. It's important."

"You don't have to tell me, pooh, I've got that compost heap in the backyard," replied Joker.

"What, that pile of corpses?" said Harley. "I don't think that counts, Mr. J."

"Sure it does, pumpkin," he replied. "It's all organic. And by stopping those people breathing, I'm decreasing the carbon footprint and making the world a better place for my children. I'm a goddamn hero, and I don't ever get any thanks for it. Not the way Batsy does."

Harley stared at him in adoration. "You wanna have children, Mr. J?" she whispered.

"It was just an expression, Harley," he retorted.

"Oh. Because if you do, y'know, I've always wanted kids, and I'd be really happy to have your babies anytime, you just say the word, puddin'…"

"I don't really want to talk about this now, Harley," he snapped. "Just show me around."

"I've always wanted a girl and a boy," continued Harley, as they walked down the hall. "Arlene for the girl, I just love that name, it really speaks to me for some reason, and Joker Junior for the boy, just like his Daddy. And we could get away from Gotham and raise them in the suburbs, in a little house with a white picket fence somewhere nice and green…"

"Harley, shut up," said Joker.

"Yes, boss," she murmured.

"Speaking of green, what the hell is this place?" asked Joker. They had reached a door at the end of the hall, which had practically been consumed by vines.

"That's her bedroom. She left me a list, said I could just ignore whatever was in there," said Harley. "Which is good, because I don't know how you're supposed to get in. Can't see a door handle."

"No, neither can I. She must have something she really wants to keep hidden in there," murmured Joker. He laughed. "Well, I guess we'll just have to do a little pruning!" he chuckled, reaching into his pocket and snapping out his switchblade.

"Puddin', we can't just…"

But Joker ignored her, slicing through the vines. Harley felt a shudder run through what seemed to be the whole house, and a thin, hissing noise, like the sound when gas leaked out of a pipe, or the whispering of a crowd. Joker continued to hack through the vines until he reached the hidden doorknob. He turned this and pushed his way into the dark room.

He flicked the light switch next to the door. The room was covered from top to bottom in plants, plants which clung to the walls, the floor, the ceiling. You couldn't move without stepping on one. Against one wall was a big cushion of moss, which Joker assumed she used for a bed. Scattered about the room were normal, everyday items: dresser, wardrobe, mirror, clothes, makeup, jewelry, all looking strangely incongrous in the jungle-like environment.

"Gee, she didn't even need to go to the Brazilian Rainforest," muttered Harley. "She's got it right here."

She suddenly leapt onto Joker's back with a scream. "What?" he snapped.

She pointed down to where a large spider was scuttling across the foliage. He snorted, and crushed it with his foot. "Don't be such a baby, Harley," he growled. "Bugs and plants go together like Batman and Robin. Can't really have one without the other. Might start calling Pammie the Bug Lady instead of the Plant Lady. Think she'd probably hate it more."

"This whole room is crawling, Mr. J," gasped Harley, looking around in terror for more bugs. "Let's get outta here, puddin'!"

"In a minute," he said. "Nothing's this protected without a reason."

"Maybe she just don't want people going through her underwear drawer, baby," said Harley. "It ain't so unusual for a girl to want a bit of privacy."

"Yeah, but Pammie ain't no ordinary girl," he retorted. "Now get off me, Harley."

She obeyed, but clung close to him as he went over to the closet. As he rifled through her stuff, Harley kept her eyes fixed on the rest of the room. Especially the door, where something appeared to be slithering closer.

"Puddin'…" she began.

"Not now, Harley," he retorted, examining her jewelry box.

"But puddin'…"

"Just ignore the bugs, Harley."

"It ain't a bug, puddin'," she gasped. He turned around to see a giant venus fly-trap filling up the doorway, big enough to swallow a human being, its jaws open and snapping.

"Ah," he said, reaching for his gun. "No, that ain't a bug."

"Shoot it, puddin'!" screamed Harley, clutching his lapels so hard she broke off the flower in his button hole. "Shoot it! Shoot it! Shoot it now!"

"I'm doing it, you dumb broad!" he shouted, firing bullets repeatedly into the mouth of the plant. "It ain't doing any good!"

He kept pulling the trigger until he ran out of bullets. "Any other bright ideas?!" he shouted, rounding on her.

He was suddenly seized in the jaws of the plant. Harley shrieked as he was torn away from her. "Puddin'!" she cried, terrified. Then her fear suddenly turned, as it always did when Joker was threatened, to uncontrollable rage. "You leave my puddin' alone!" she shrieked, seizing the flower from the ground and spraying Joker toxin into the plant's mouth. It hissed, writhing in agony, and then fell to the ground, dropping the Joker from its dead jaws.

"Puddin', you ok?" said Harley, rushing over to him and helping him up.

"Yeah, fine," he retorted. "I'm covered in something that feels like glue, though."

"Aw, Mr. J, you didn't need to go through all that trouble! I'd stick to you anyway!" laughed Harley, beaming.

He glared at her. "It was a joke, puddin'," she said, her face falling.

"How many times have I told you, you don't make jokes, Harley?" he demanded. "You're not funny!"

"Ok, Mr. J," murmured Harley. "Just thought we could both use a laugh after you nearly dying and all."

"Yes, I really could, Harley," he retorted. "I could use a laugh, but instead I'm stuck in the middle of a goddamn indoor jungle with you! Which is actually a bit funny in a bleak sort of way, because the only person less funny than you I'd like to be stuck in a goddamn indoor jungle with is Batman!"

At that moment, they heard a groan. Joker stared at Harley. "That wasn't you, was it?" he muttered.

"No, Mr. J," she replied, looking around in terror and clutching his arm. "Let's just get out of here, puddin', this place is giving me the creeps!"

He shook her off. "Pammie's little guard-plant attacked us for a reason," he muttered, scanning the room. "She has something in here somewhere. Something she doesn't want me to find, which is why she banned me from coming here. She knew you would obey her orders about staying out of here, Harley, but she knew I wouldn't. She knew I would go where I wasn't supposed to go, and try to find whatever she doesn't want me to find. Something…"

He paused as his eyes fixed on the floor. He reached down and suddenly ripped up a root that was clinging to the floorboard. As he tore up another and another, he gradually revealed a trapdoor, which he flipped open. A strange, green glow shone out from down below.

"After you, my dear," he said, smiling as he gestured to the hole.

"I don't wanna go down there, Mr. J!" sobbed Harley.

He seized her by one of the points of her hat and dragged her over to him, dropping her into the hole. "Tell me when you reach the bottom, kiddo!" he shouted over her shriek.

He heard an "oof!" shortly afterward. "You alive, Harley?" he called.

"Yeah, A-ok, Mr. J," gasped Harley. "It ain't too far a drop. It…holy crap on a stick! Mr. J, you'd better get down here, quick!" she shouted.

Joker dropped down into a big, cavernous room lit up by the green glow emanating from a tank in the center of the room. It was filled with a phosphorescent liquid, which ran through tubes attached to a figure tied to a chair. A very familiar figure.

"Batsy!" cried Joker, horrified. "Batsy, what has she done to you?!" he cried, rushing forward.

Batman groaned, opening his eyes. For a moment, not even his mask could conceal his surprise at seeing Joker and Harley there, but his look of astonishment was quickly replaced with a grimace of pain. "It's chlorophyll," he muttered. "Genetically enhanced chlorophyll – she wants to mutate my blood with it, just like she's mutated hers. Turn me into a plant just like her."

Joker gazed at him in horror. Then his face tightened into a look of unsmiling resolution. "That bitch!" he growled. "That selfish, evil bitch! I'll kill her! You're mine, Batsy! Nobody tortures you but me, you got that?! Those other guys might fight with you, but nobody hurts you, really hurts you, except me! You're my nemesis! The bitch ain't gonna take my job away from me! C'mon, Harley, help me untie him."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, puddin'," murmured Harley. "I don't think we really want to free Batman…"

"You do what I tell you, you stupid girl!" he shouted. She rushed over to help him. Once free, Batman ripped out the tubes, falling to his knees and gasping.

"Just take it easy, Bats, and try to breathe," said Joker, patting him on the back as he reached into his jacket and took out a test tube. He dipped it into the vat of chlorophyll and then handed it to Batman. "You'll need that for an antidote once you get back to the Batcave," he said. "We'll give you a lift, if you want. Not to the Batcave, obviously, you wouldn't want us knowing where that was, but to a nearby location if it helps. Just take your time. We're in no hurry."

"Actually, I think we are, puddin'," murmured Harley, gazing at the ceiling, where a giant mass of vines were crawling through the trapdoor towards them.

Joker growled. "I hate plants," he muttered, reaching into his pocket. "Harley, on three, you take Bats's other arm and hang on. One…"

"Puddin'…"

"Two…"

"I don't…"

"Three!" he shouted, throwing a playing card at the vines. It impacted and exploded, blowing out the whole ceiling. Joker reached down to Batman's utility belt. "One, two, three from the left," he muttered, reaching inside and withdrawing the Batclaw. He shot it up until it latched onto something, then retracted it, dragging him, Batman, and Harley back onto the ground floor.

The sparks from the explosion had set the room on fire, which was quickly spreading throughout the house. The plants were writhing in agony, actually shrieking in pain. Joker threw another playing card at the wall, blowing it out as he and Harley dragged Batman out into the fresh air.

When they were a safe distance away, they dropped him and looked back at the flaming remains of the house. "Red's gonna kill me," murmured Harley.

Batman struggled to his feet with a groan, shaking his head and trying to focus. "How you feeling, Bats?" asked Joker.

"I've felt worse," he replied.

"Yeah? After a fight with me, right?" asked Joker. "Cause, y'know, anything Ivy can do to you, I can do much, much worse. 'Cause I'm your nemesis, right, Bats? Your only nemesis. And a guy's got to look out for his nemesis."

"Sure, Joker, whatever you say," muttered Batman. "Where's your car?"

"Just over here," said Joker, leading them to a nearby parking garage. Joker took out his keys to unlock the car when Batman suddenly cuffed him around the wrists. He looked at him.

"You've got to be kidding me," he muttered. Then he laughed. "And here I thought you had no sense of humor, Batsy!"

"I don't," muttered Batman. "I'm taking you both back to Arkham. I'm grateful, Joker, really I am, but justice still has to be done. I hope you understand that."

Joker stared at him. "You're serious? You're going to take me back to Arkham after I just saved your life?"

In response, Batman cuffed Harley, then shoved them both into the backseat. "Thanks," he muttered, climbing into the front seat and driving off.

Joker kept staring at him. Harley was glaring at Joker. "I told you it was a stupid idea to free him, you dumb jerk!" she snapped. "What do you think he was going to do, just let us go?! I thought you of all people knew the guy!"

"Shut up, Harley," he growled. "You're a real bastard, Bats, you know that? A real, ungrateful bastard. Don't know why everyone thinks you're a goddamn hero."

There was silence during the drive since both Joker and Harley were fuming. Then Joker suddenly burst out laughing. He continued to laugh hysterically, maniacally, until Harley demanded, "What's so funny?"

"I'm just imagining the look on Pammie's face!" he exclaimed. "When she comes back and sees her house a pile of ashes, and Batman gone, and when she learns that I was the one to free him and then got sent back to Arkham for my trouble! Oh, it really makes you want to laugh, doesn't it, Harley?"

And he continued chuckling madly. Harley looked at him for a moment, then joined in, giggling and cuddling against his chest. "Yeah, it does, puddin'," she murmured. "It really does."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi, Red, how was Brazil?" exclaimed Harley as Poison Ivy was returned to the cell next to hers a couple weeks later. Ivy did not look pleased. She sat facing the glass, her face set in a mask of stone, and her eyes burning in fury.

"Red, how was Brazil?" asked Harley. "Red? Red? Did you stop the deforestation? Did you blow up the headquarters? Did ya? Red? You listening? Red!"

"No, Harley, I'm not listening," murmured Ivy. "I've gone selectively deaf, so that I can't hear anything you say anymore. Isn't that your excuse?"

"Excuse? For what?" asked Harley.

"What did I say to you before I left?" murmured Ivy. "What did I say very specifically?"

Harley thought. "Um…water the plants?" she asked.

"Yeah, that," agreed Ivy. "Water them, not burn them, Harley, but I can understand how that might have confused you. Watering things and setting fire to things can be really easily mixed up. No, the thing I said very specifically. Think hard, Harley."

Harley did. "It was a long time ago, Red," she said. Then she snapped her fingers. "Oh, but Harvey wants you to call him back, if you get a chance, something about half of his cut, and Selina wants another margarita and bitching session soon. Speaking of which, can I be invited to those? I know you probably bitch about me and Mr. J, but I can sit quietly in the corner and just enjoy my margarita and you can pretend I'm not there. Though, really, it's not very nice to bitch about us behind our back, Red. If you've got a problem with me and Mr. J, you can always say it to my face."

"Yes, you're getting warm, Harley," murmured Ivy. "Very close, in fact. I'll certainly have lots to bitch about at our next session, like how you can't seem to follow one basic instruction which would have saved everyone a lot of pain. What did I say, Harley?"

Harley stared at her blankly. "I don't remember, Red, so why don't you just…"

"I SAID NO JOKER!" shrieked Ivy, suddenly furious. "But you didn't listen to me and I lost my house, and my babies, and Batman, and I'm locked back up in this stupid asylum with a dumb blonde who's too dense to follow one simple rule! I could kill you, Harley, if I wasn't so focused on killing him right now!"

"Aw, Red, I'm sure the feeling's mutual," replied Harley. "Anyway, you shouldn't have tried to take Bats away from him. You don't come between a guy and his nemesis, I learned that a long time ago. You can't blame Mr. J for what happened."

"Ok, I'll blame you then, Harley," she retorted. "Because I'm sure you invited him over even when I told you not to."

"Well, yeah, but see…the thing was, Red…he wasn't gonna stay long, he was just gonna…um…drop off my toothbrush. You can't blame me for needing my toothbrush. You blame dentists if you gotta blame anyone – they're always putting pressure on you to brush all the time."

"Dentists," repeated Ivy. "You expect me to blame dentists for this whole mess."

"Yeah," replied Harley. "But I know what'll make it better. Once we bust out of here, we can go blow up a dentist's office, how about that? That'll make everything right, won't it, Red?"

Ivy sighed. "Sure, Harley, whatever you say," she muttered, lying down and shutting her eyes and trying to ignore Harley's incessant prattling.

Harley was relieved. She had managed not to shoot her mouth off and tell Ivy the real reason the Joker had come over. She knew she wouldn't have reacted well to that at all. "Suit the material to the audience," she murmured to herself, returning to her own bed and gazing at the photo of the Joker by her bed. "I'm learning, puddin'. Maybe I'll even be funny someday."

Ivy suddenly started laughing. "Dentists!" she repeated. "Oh, Harley, you're just plain crazy, you know that?"

Harley beamed. "Yeah," she murmured, smiling at the picture and feeling satisfied that she was funny enough to make Ivy laugh. "I know that."


End file.
